Own your Reality
Recently I attended a funeral for my Great Uncle who passed at the ripe old age of 92. The celebration of life started with a eulogy from his youngest son which outlined a theme in his life. One that reflected a life of generosity, family, mentorship, love, fun, and respect. His friends and family also added their more colorful stories of my Uncle that helped to paint a beautiful picture of his life. Although I didn’t know my Uncle or his family all that well, I did have the privilege of living with him for about 6 weeks while I was finishing up an externship for my Doctorate. We spent many nights in which he would share his knowledge of wine with me and we would exchange ideas on life. I soaked up as much of his wisdom as I could in my short time there. At his funeral, I realized that mentorship was a natural theme in his life, a responsibility he bestowed upon himself. As luck would have it, we shared a small portion of our story at a perfect time in both of our lives.
My Uncle had two sons that he raised up proper. The youngest of which stood tall and proud at his funeral prepared to represent his father’s legacy to the attendees. While the older of the two sat in the background almost to evade the responsibilities of his father’s guests. Granted, I am no judge of the ideal and you may be thinking that everyone grieves in their own way and that he may have had some anxieties as well as other reservations to consider. I do assume this to be part and parcel and I do assume the weight he bore was tremendous. After all his father left some pretty big shoes to fill.
The thing that struck me most, while listening to the stories and gaining a broad picture of their lives, is the way that the two brothers presented themselves at his funeral is similar to the way they approached most of their lives. As children, both had been raised under the same roof, both with a silver spoon in their mouth. The older of the two brothers, was naturally athletic, smart and charming, while the younger suffered from an extremity disorder that left him almost handicap. The younger brother would have to undergo surgery and rehabilitation, while the older seemed to be without any obstacles in life. It wasn’t until they were old enough to own their decisions that their pathways unfolded. It was the quantity and quality of their hardships that seemed to have made all the difference, not a charmed life. The easy path doesn’t always lead to success and the hard path doesn’t always mean defeat. It’s interesting to me to know where their respective paths led them by the time their father had passed. Why did one stand tall and proud of his responsibility while the other could not? Whose shoes would I like to be in when this part of life comes for me?
You see my Uncle’s story will be carried on with his kids and grandkids, just like he carried on his father’s story before him and so on. The story never really ends and neither does the responsibility of it all. The two brothers having kids of their own should repeat this noble process to carry out their father’s legacy. If each generation aims for the good we will slowly change the world. Each grandchild being a teenager has yet to write their own stories and themes in life. Surely, their grandfather’s life story and theme will no doubt leave a mark on their own series of chapters, but their father’s is the most critical. It is our responsibility to own our reality with purpose so that the next generation can improve on the foundations left before them. It is up to us to guide our kids through adolescence to own their responsibility so that they can own their reality.
So what’s your theme in life. What stories will be a part of your plot? What will be read at your funeral? What responsibility will you bear? What legacy will you pass on to your children and grandchildren? It’s up to you to own your reality.
Right your Reality
In our last blog post, I related the possibility of writing your own reality or moreover Righting your Reality. The act of removing meaningless distractions from the plot and looking at your life’s story up to the present. I then related to you that you can change your story and your future with a plot twist at any time. After all, you are the author in your story. In doing this, I glossed over a very important yet subtle portion of writing your reality. The theme, the purpose, the meaning of your story and the idea that you alone are responsible for every word and sentence that has led you to this chapter in life. It also means you have to take ownership of your life’s story in the present for a better future tomorrow. You must own the days in your story – Carpe Diem!
You Only Live Once (YOLO)
I remember pretty clearly the first time I heard the phrase, Carpe Diem. It was from a line in the movie Dead Poets Society. The translation of the Latin phrase means to seize the day. At the time I was about 10 years old and the idea translated into rebellious fantasies of owning my day. A day of doing whatever I wanted because after all tomorrow is never promised. My 10-year-old understanding of Carpe Diem is much like the millennial idea of YOLO (you only live once). YOLO, the idea that life is short and the consequences of today’s actions can be put off until tomorrow. Is this your theme or creed in life?
Carpe Diem
Carpe Diem, of course, is not translated equivalently to YOLO, but such was the case for an immature mind. Carpe Diem originally written by Horace (23 BC) translates to seize the day and more accurately means to seek out all the opportunities of today and use them to make positive progress if tomorrow shall come. The idea being, to enjoy the day to its fullest so that it may also have a possible positive outcome in your hypothetical future. That sounds a lot like bearing a load of great responsibility with purpose and drive. This all starts with knowledge of right and wrong. You only live once and every choice you make sets you on a path to meet your potential reality. What would your obituary read like if you died today?
Anything worth doing will require sacrifice
Do what’s right, not what’s easy. These daily acts of responsibility add up to make you who you are One Adjustment at a time. In my Uncle’s story above I related to you that he raised two sons, both with charmed upbringings. One brother faced adversities head-on and learned how to sacrifice for what he wanted. The other had to sacrifice nothing and in turn gained nothing. Which storyline carries more tragedy? A difficult life riddled with sacrifice and responsibility or an easy life strife with no purpose or meaning? Which story is more reflective of our current generations being raised? YOLO!
Ignore or embrace these responsibilities for varying results. Recognize your reality and then own it. And own all the baggage it brings with it. Sacrifice the easy path for a more adventurous one. Do the right thing.
The first step in solving a problem is to recognize that it does exist. – Zig Ziglar
Own it or Lose it
Ownership of all that makes you present, past and future. Every good and bad that enters your life are yours. Yes, not everything is your fault, but it is all your responsibility. Let’s look at the opposite. Nothing is your fault and/or responsibility. The neglect of daily responsibilities sometimes small and insignificant will accumulate and amount to significant problems. Let’s take for example from some small yet essential responsibilities.
Victim or Victor?
You are a structure that needs a form. Your form is your posture. That posture will undoubtedly degenerate due to entropy. Your responsibility is to build it and maintain care for it every day to slow the effects of wear and tear. Another Innate Essential responsibility is water. Take little care in the hydration of your body at your own peril. In the short term, this may have little effect unless taken to the extremes. However, continue this over weeks, months and years and this will lead to an early degenerative death. How about hygiene? What would happen if you stopped brushing your teeth for a day, week, month or even a year? I could put in any of the 12 Innate Essentials here and you could begin to understand how your responsibility or the lack thereof will wear you down or build you up. It has been said that one meal won’t make you skinny just like one meal won’t make you fat.
If not You then who?
Often in marriage counseling one of the rules is to own your faults before laying blame at your spouse. It is much easier to find blame in others than it is to look at our own wrongdoings.
“First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” – Matthew 7:5
Marriages and various other partnerships are commonly riddled with slight transgressions like that of a log infested with termites. The state of their existence weak and brittle. The whole thing collapses when one partner leaves or cheats on the other. The finger is quickly pointed in blame for the failed marriage at the unfaithful partner as if their counterpart played no part in the past transgressions.
The backstory was likely rife with neglect, selfishness, self-centeredness, jealousy, and deceit. A husband that hides in his work neglecting the needs of his wife and family or the wife that uses intimacy as a reward or punishment. These are just examples of the softer versions of irresponsible behavior in relationships. The wellness juggle does not only lie within but with your relationships as well. The meta-story here can easily be applied to business relationships, friendships, and even parenting. The circumstances surrounding these connections may not be your fault, but they must be your responsibility. If not you, then who?
Small adjustments lead to big changes
If you have kids, then you more than likely understand the idea of no-fault and all responsibility. The wild monkeys that you are trying to tame often make messes. Those messes pile up to no fault of your own. You could do nothing and let chaos ensue or take responsibility and put order back into your world and theirs. Truly this is not a big deal until you’re 10 years in and you’ve spent the last 4000 days reordering the same things over and over. Like the never-ending mountain of laundry. This kind of monotonous labor has been used as a form of torture in many totalitarian states. Hard labor with zero productivity in the act is mind-numbing.
The difference here is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is meaning associated with the responsibility. The short term responsibility is needed for the long term responsibility of guiding that monkey into a functional human member of society. Think of the opposite. The lack of short term responsibility will cause a long term catastrophe and you may end up with a 40-year-old monkey living in your basement. Having a vision (reality) a purpose (responsibility) and a plan (resolve) are needed to get through the seasons of life. Don’t sacrifice the long term plans for short term gratifications. It sounds a lot like a mid-life crisis. All things worth doing, take hard work to do them right.
Actions speak louder than...
To be clear, I’m not saying your responsibility lies in being a butler or maid for your kids. I’m saying it is your responsibility to guide them in their lives, consistently to help transform those cute little monkeys into responsible adults. This starts by modeling responsibility within themselves and their environment. This starts with you and at home with things like the Innate Essentials as a guide for well-being. This is a base or platform of responsibility so that the opportunities that arise can be recognized and seized. As in the story of my uncle and his kids, an easy life does not always make a strong healthy adult. The past few generations seem to be under the notion that protecting our kids from any adversity is good parenting. I believe exposing them safely is pertinent to their success in navigating their own reality.
Your life is at risk - Entropy
It is often that I will encounter a patient who wants to know what their future health may look like if they do nothing. There is a real risk in doing nothing. Not only missing your opportunity to gain but even worse in risking the life you do have. The risk of doing nothing only allows for entropy to have its way with you. Entropy is the universal law that everything falls apart over time. It is your responsibility to try and reduce its effects on your potential life.
So you have 3 choices.
1.) Live life responsibly with meaning and purpose.
2.) Do nothing, have no purpose and let life degenerate naturally.
3.) Contribute to nihilism and compound the rate at which your life and others will degenerate naturally.
A few years ago a gentleman entered my office for care. He had been dealing with chronic back pain for over 30 years and was finally fed up. His past treatment for mechanical lower back pain included pain killers, anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxers. A mechanical problem given a chemical solution will do nothing but cover up the cause of his problem and lead to an advanced state of disease.
“the person who takes medicine must recover twice, once from the disease, and once from the medicine.”
– William Osler
This is exactly what happened. He was in his mid-fifties and could barely walk across the room. The consequence of doing nothing only fueled the degenerative nature of his body by ignoring the mechanical issues at hand as well as halting the body’s natural physiology for healing. It would be like taking a pain pill for a cavity and ignoring the problem. Unfortunately, he was referred back to medical care with a poor prognosis of more drugs and ultimately surgery. This was the best decision for his reality at the time due to the choices he was given in his past.
Start small and build
Another major risk of foregoing your responsibilities is missed opportunities. This always begins with being able to recognize your reality. Removing distractions is a key element in my previous post because, if you cannot see the opportunity(reality) you cannot own it. There is often an expiration in owning it. So, don’t miss your chance by filling your life with endless distractions. Start small. As Jordan Peterson says “Clean your room” do what you can to make One Adjustment in your life. The patient that had to undergo back surgery will undoubtedly miss out on many opportunities past, present and future. Another more trivial example of this would be the 40-year-old basement-dwelling gamer living with Mom and without any real connection to the world. He has already missed many great opportunities in life. Sure, he may be creating a virtual reality that he can conquer, but that does not replace reality, a wife, kids, health, relationships, etc. What will his eulogy read?
You're never too old
It is often the case that when people miss their chance they will become bitter and resentful. Then instead of owning it, they want to curse God or plain bad luck for their misfortune. The former being the worst as it leads to resentment towards being alive at all. God is inherently good. Therefore taking the name of the Lord in vain is to lay blame at the good for the bad in the world. A lot can happen when you own your responsibilities and even have a little gratitude towards them. Embrace the uniqueness of your life and strive for a better tomorrow. No matter what cards you have been dealt or you have blindly accepted, you always have a choice to do the right thing. Yes you may have degenerated, yes you may have missed opportunities, but what opportunities could you grasp now if you only tried? Which ones will you give up if you simply do nothing due to the weight of your past?
Your responsibility is your purpose
Recently I had the good fortune to care for a friend. She came into my office a bit broken and run down. She had recently been given a diagnosis of primary progressive multiple sclerosis. I’ve known and cared for this woman for more than 10 years. She is good to the core. She exercises daily, eats well and generally cares for her well-being and that of her family’s. She admitted her fear, admitted her anxiety and even admitted to feeling a little betrayed by this. She had some choices to make. Curse God, bad luck, genetics or own her new illness and make the best of a bad situation. She is choosing to fight and fight hard. She knows that a cure is unlikely, but is happy to pick up this extra load and carry it with her throughout the remainder of her days. Her life responsibility has earned more meaning and purpose than before. She inspires me and many others. She is working with cards she was dealt and it affects all of our lives in a positive manner.
Self-responsibility is a major theme in how I choose to care for patients. Your life, your health is up to you. In this blog and in my practice I serve to guide you to a better you through education, responsibility, and passion. Having a purpose and passion in life is one of the greatest analgesics to life’s catastrophes. Find your why!
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
What is your life theme or creed?
What would you do? How do you handle diversity in your life? Would you break, run, give up, meltdown or own it and seize the day?
Will you stand up and fight for what is right and good in the world. Will you go out of your way to change your world. Will you be the rock your loved ones can depend on? Will you stand at your father’s funeral? To do so would make you the hero of your story.
I thought I’d leave you with a few superhero creeds to ponder.
“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power: Green Lantern’s light” – Green Lantern
“Truth, Justice and the American Way.” – Superman.
“With great power comes great responsibility.” – Spider-Man
One Adjustment Action Step
1. Read the previous blog post Write Your Reality and finish the writing assignment.
2. Examine your writings on strengths, weaknesses and reality. Which ones own you and which do you own?
3. Start a gratitude journal. 30 days of writing down the things you are thankful for. I created an Instagram page and did just that. No followers, just a picture and a daily thank you for 3 things.
1.) Past life event (good or bad) that made me who I am. 2.) Something trivial that I take for granted. (wind on my face) 3.) Something that brings me joy in the present. (Kids, writing)
Why are emotional writings such as these included in the Innate Essentials? I’m pretty sure you can live without them. Right? So why do I include them? They are Innate to a healthy mind.
Responsibility of your reality is to have a purpose and meaning in your life. Without it, degeneration and depression will likely ensue. After all, the odds of you being born has been said to be 1 out of 400 trillion. There is a reason you were chosen. A life without purpose and meaning is a waste of a miracle.
Like a sailor in a dense fog at night. Take aim at the brightest star you can see and move forward always.
The next blog post will be dedicated to Resolve of Reality and your Responsibility. This will serve as an outline of your heroic story.
–Nick the DC
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